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I had a talk with my aunt yesterday, it started when i asked her for help with some illustrations but end it up in quite the sorrowful topic, feels weird to be in love with such an useless hobby, specially in this country of mine, ive already wasted so much time i feel like it barely matters anymore, the days just go by without a care, and im wasting it all, i think despite putting most of my efforts into drawing i have somehow managed to barely draw at all, its pathethic, i think i will die without acomplishing anything at all.
i forgot to update yesterday lololol, these fews days haev been very exausthing, sschool makes me sick, and the internet has been poisoned, or maybe i was the one poisoned by the internet everything online feels slimy and wet and hot in some way, like a never ending fever, and its not fun to use anymore, in any way, i go from side to side, trench to trench and i pass the ones i used wendell in, years ago, and i find nothing but shit, useless shit, all over it everywhere, a wasteland. Maybe im just getting old, not as impresionable as i once used to be, i cant enjoy myself in the web nor in the poeple on it, i dont like making friends or interacting with randoms online, i know i used to at so point, but not anymore. ive been mostly eating bread and water these days, since its the only food i still like, i feel hopeless //// i need a lobotomy to be happy again ive been torrenting anime for like.... 3 days?, 5?, i dont know, but i have almost filled my old computer with 1tb of space, i dont think i will ever get the time to watch it all i honestly dont even know why i bother downloading it at this point. I believe i have around, 100?, animes at this point, idk. I think ive wasted my whole life
very slow day, terribly slow, i wont write much todays since i dont really have any time, i drew some today, i need new pens, or to finally buy a gpen im tired
This is the second(thirdh maybe?), i try to do a diary, its always gets too bleak, and it feels awful to read afterwards, as i all i could say was pure poison.
The main difference with the other two times ive tried this is that, now, its online, as a website, instead of in ink and paper, the idea came from a guy that i used to talk with on twitter
and had a diary website... looking back i regret not asking him some tips on html lololol.
eh, not much i can do now i guess, i already deactivated the account and blocked everyone that was following me, ive done that four times already, like a clean start
ofc the point of deactivating is not to actually delete the account, is just to make them forget about you, after half a month passes, you activate it back again, change your username and
go on as if nothing had happen
this part would be easier had i not have dmed most of the people that followed me before this last cleanse, for some reason(as if isolation was a good enough reason lol) this last year i
became far more social online, almost as much as i used to be when i was 13... its awful to remember those times, a weird, disgusting rotten smell of nostalgia,
of the sleepless nights texting "you know what type" of furries, awful, three years of my life went like that, awful, horrible, and awful.
but ehhhhhhh, oh yea the guy, hmmm i dont really recall his name, im not good at remembering people, i dont really get to attached if im being honest, after awhile the memories get blurry and
start to mix with one another, becoming this abomanation of a thousand desfiguraded faces and muffled voices
i think he was called octovander?, maybe?, i dont really remember but he had a site like this, and ... ah, i just already said that didnt i?.... how shameful ah
re reading that part when i talk about talking with "you know what type of furries", i hope people understand what im talking about, or at least manage to make the conecction between the
words: "13 year old", and "furries", im not sure how furries are viewed anymore tbh, ive been completly disconected from anything related to them since last year, when i had that ephifany,
nowdays im something(worse) else, a weeb, an otaku, an anime fan, what ever you wanna call it, you could say i got worse lol, but i dont think it gets worse than what i used to be five years ago, never again...
if im being honest im also really disconected from anything related to otaku media, besides the few japanese artists that i follow, im not sure if i should even call myself an otaku
since ive barely watched any anime lol, i just dont really have the time anymore, maybe if i had last year, but i dont have any time anymore, so i mostly read manga, and doujins ofc,
im currently reading ichigo mashimaro and its been a really fun read, i really like barasuis drawings and ive been copying some of them to try and emulate his style, or at least the way
he draws eyes, which i find very appealing despite being fairly simplistic.
im starting to think it might be very pointless to have a date for each entry because i dont do much interesting things in my day to day, but i guess i should do a recap for this year
and last one....
last year: i dropped out of highschool
this year: im repeating my sophomore year for the third time yeaahhhhh
so far it has been awful, and boring, and loud and annoying and frustating and all the bad things from all my previous academic years that i had long forgotten since i became a neet
and enjoyed the sedentary life... but no more, im doing my penitence, i want out already, so i can wageslave or go to university or at least just to get out of this fucking hellhole called
highschool, im tired already, im exaushted, my eyes hurt every day, my joints are stiff, my back hurts after i sit for more than an hour, im wasted, this school thing ended me, took what
little joy i once had and left me with nothing but bitterness, i hate it, so im going to do my best to get the fuck out of here as soon as possible
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